Divorce

Reasons that often lead to divorce:

There are numerous reasons marriages end in  divorce. The following reasons have been identified as some of the most common factors leading to divorce:

• Lack of commitment
• Infidelity.
• Communication issues
• Inequality in marriage
• Physical and emotional abuse
• Addiction issues
• Unrealistic expectations
• Financial difficulties/how money is managed

Predictors of Divorce:

• Constant criticism with very little encouragement or positive communication
• Lack of respect for spouse
• Defensiveness.
• Stonewalling (deliberate avoidance of interaction and discussion of problems) which often leads to difficulty in resolving arguments or disagreements.
  

  Therapeutic Interventions:

• Therapy is usually done on an individual basis.
• Goal of sessions can be to address symptoms related to guilt, fear, anxiety, depression and grief
• Therapy can provide an objective and rational perspective and assists in developing coping skills to work through difficulties.
• Therapy as a means of  learning more about themselves and come to see the life transition as an opportunity for growth and personal development.
• Divorce may contribute to or exacerbate certain mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or personality diagnoses.
• Many people perceive divorce as a personal failure. Therapy can help one work through those feelings, make sense of the end of the marriage, and obtain a new perspective.
• Individuals may learn more about what they require from a relationship and what they do not desire in a relationship, and they may, through therapy, discover more about their own nature and personal characteristics.Therapy for children whose parents are divorcing.

• Because parents may often be consumed with their own feelings during a divorce, they might overlook the emotional state of their children, who may be confused or feel guilt, loss, pain, or abandonment.
• Children may not be sure which parent they should “choose,” or be loyal to, and they might also worry that they are the cause of the divorce.
• When parents are aggressive with each other, a child may feel even more fearful, and a child who often hears his or her parents argue about custody arrangements might feel as if he or she is unwanted by either parent, or as if he or she is to blame for the separation.
• If family members are able to discuss their feelings they may be able to process their emotions more easily and better adjust to the changes.

Adjusting After Divorce

• Recovering is a process.
• Adjusting to changes that occur can take time.
• Part of the process is often the recognition of newly divorced people, whether they initiated the divorce or not, that their lives and the lives of those around them have been profoundly affected by their situation.
• Worries about financial solvency, employment, or housing may affect them.
• Stress over losing friends or family members as a result of the divorce can also be difficult to deal with.
• Parents may be emotionally overwhelmed by guilt as they consider what effects the divorce may have on their children.

These issues can often be worked through during the recovery process. An individual in therapy may be more able to discover necessary coping techniques that can help in the establishment of a new life, and the individual may have an easier time developing a healthy perspective on the divorce.

Therapy can also often provide people with a safe, encouraging, and empowering experience during what might, for some, be a difficult time.

Case Examples

• Therapy for grief after divorce:  Mark and Linda, a couple in their early thirties who has no children, come in for marriage counseling, as they are considering separation. Linda wants to save the marriage, however, Mark is ready to leave. After two or three sessions, it becomes clear to all involved that Mark has made up his mind. The therapist helps the couple to talk about their relationship openly in such a way that Mark and Linda are both able to learn, grow as individuals, and prepare for separation. After the separation occurs, the therapist continues to work with Linda to help her manage her grief and begin moving forward as a single woman.
• Divorce after a 30-year marriage:  Nathan, 59, enters therapy after divorcing his wife of 30 years.  Nathan’s children are grown.  He has been unhappy for years. He hoped the divorce would make him feel better, but instead finds that he is devastated by the loss. His wife, who had not wanted a divorce, now seems to Nathan “to be doing fine,” and this confuses him terribly. He even spoke to his wife about reconciling, but she was uninterested. Nathan thinks that is for the best, but he cannot seem to make the adjustment to being single. A therapist helps Nathan identify his fears about being single and then assists him in beginning to develop the skills and support system he needs to stay connected with people and feel hopeful about the future. Together, they identify the benefits of marriage that Nathan has chosen to give up and the benefits of being single that he can now enjoy. Nathan has also developed methods of getting in touch with his grief and his guilt surrounding the divorce, his positive feelings towards his ex-wife, and his fears about being able to stay connected with his children.

Our goal is to assist you in coping with the decision to remain in a marriage or leave.  Both, individual or couples therapy may also be used to address these goals.